I'll come back. I swear

That was all too sudden and here we are, already 2 days more until December. The project I wanted to do, I stopped doing. The game I've been playing, I'm just fooling around with. The anime I'm currently watching, somehow I've lose reason or rather interest in watching.

What the hell is happening to me?

I'm really busy with IRL stuffs but somehow I'm just losing touch with what I want to do. Or rather, what I want to do changed.

The game I'm talking about, I've already reached the goal that I wanted to reach. I'm only watching or rather hearing music in youtube instead of looking at anime videos. The stories I wanted to tell are still inside my head but I don't know if they'll stay there for long. My hands does not want to write. Even though I'm writing in a little cute booklet I've bought the other month. I've been writing in there religiously. It will probably something that will keep my literary spirit on fire. Or something like that.

The stories that are still pending right now for this blog are:
1. The firefly in the bottle
2. The first mate's dilemma on the island they stayed for a while.
3. The two voices
4. The captain's past

I think that's all for the stories I had in my mind. If there are others, it's sad to say but I have more things to remember. I wonder how the stories will unfold.

I know I'm not really good at writing but that's just how things come to be. Sometimes I even surprise myself of that outcome that happens. I never liked planning things for the long run. I just love writing. But just right now, I couldn't. I'll come back. I swear.

Sooner or later, I'll be away

Sooner or later, I'll be away from doing my lonely literary duty. To be precise, I won't be able to type as much as well watch animes as much as I do. I will be much busy IRL. But I do hope I could go back after my impending hiatus.The days I wasn't able to go online or rather times I was so hold up in IRL duty, my literary enthusiasms got colder. I don't know why but apparently can't focus much on watching any animes and the poems I'm writing seemed to be forceful.

I sort of got out of sync with my desire of literature. Even the project I was looking forward to got held up. I even made plans for it. As well the stories I had in my mind: the captain who is now the first mate, the captain's past and the real first mate, and the two voices.

Even the list of anime I made for this month. I don't think I'll be able to finish it all.

If you could see the anime list I made in my phone, you'd probably laugh. It keeps getting longer and more disorganized.

I wonder if I could keep up.

Also there is a game I am playing right now. It got me hooked right now. Another reason why I'm having a fallout. Not to mention other trivial matters.

The only thing going right now is the tiny notebook I bought the other month. I write something random in it everyday or from time to time. I'm doing it religiously so, I think it will be something that will keep my literary enthusiasm going.

Child of Thunder and the World

"Was he afraid for others as well?" the old woman asked. The firefly smiled and nodded.

"Won't you be afraid for others if there's a chance you'll hurt them. In some way?"

"I will be but I'll try my best not to hurt anyone around me. I don't want to leave anyone," the old woman replied.

"That's the right answer," the firefly said. "But even still, that was the choice the child chose. He was afraid it would be too much for him at the same time, the burden was becoming too much for him-"

"And so he left?" the old woman asked. She stretched her arms as she yawned. The raging storm outside the cabin kept on. The lamp's lit stayed warm for the two.

"So sound disappointed," the firefly asked.

"I don't know. I just feel like, I sort of understand the child but.. I don't think I can fully place myself in his shoes. I know it will be troublesome for everyone and even to myself but I should have tried more."

"He did tried. The span of his wings never matured. His aching face always showed it when he tried to fly with everyone. He pushed himself further away from everyone sometimes closer to the ground and sometime somewhere in the sky no one could reach. He did all that, he tried to be normal, all the while retraining himself-"

"- But he must even try harder," the old woman said. "Restraining himself while trying to be normal?"

"He wanted to be normal, like everyone else. And so in the process, he hurt himself. He kept on. Until he could no longer."

"Hurt himself?"

"Only himself, no one else."

"Where is he now?"

"Who knows. He said he'd fly off to greater clouds where only he himself and some distant travelers would hear his flight."

"So he lived his life as a hermit then?"

"Yes. That is until he met with a firefly."

"You found him?"

"It was just a chance encounter. Apparently, it was him who found me."

"I wanted to know the details but first please tell me what happened to the child?"

"He was happy when I left him. He, actually, just needed someone to talk to."

"Everyone does. Especially those who are lonely and are going through something they can hardly bear."

"So what happened?"

"At first he asked me why I was sitting on top of a mountain. I don't quite remember why, but I guess I just liked scenery. Even on cold dark nights, the view was awesome. But I didn't tell him that. I'm quite a liar back then and so I told him, I was waiting for him. Something to jest him about and nonchalantly apologize to him once I became acquainted with him. Something like an ice breaker.

"You know what happened next? He just let out his wing in full span. I got blasted back since I wasn't fully aware of it. His wings were most amazing and pretty loud. But all I could say was he had a beautiful wing. Wings made of sounds are something one cannot see with eyes but hear with ears."

"Did he ran away after he saw you getting flung?"

"I don't think he saw me, after he stretched out his wings and me being flung away, after I went back to him, he was crying. I made him cry. I made a total stranger cry."

"You're a mischievous sort back then?" the old woman asked.

"Right now, I am as well," the firefly smiled.

"Why did he cry? I know for sure he wasn't crying because of you."

"He wanted-"

"Wait! Before that. You said he found you, right? Was he looking for you?"

"Fireflies stick out in the cover of darkness," the firefly said as he showed her his tail light.

"So he just got interested in a light from the darkness as he was traveling?"

"Apparently so," the firefly said. "You seemed to be much talkative right now, my dear friend?"

"I'm interested in your story," the old woman said. "You should be glad you're telling such a fantastic story even though you were hesitating earlier."

"Are you fine?" the firefly asked. "Do you need something else right now?"

"I'm alright," the old woman answered. "Please continue your story. What happened? Why was he crying?"

"Oh! Right, as you said earlier, he was lonely and he was bearing his problem all on his own. Something like a pair of ears would be nice change for a conversation. And so, I was there. And my ice breaker apparently broke through his walls. I wanted to apologize as he cry but suddenly he told me everything about him.

"His wings were a pain to everyone around him. Even though it stings a bit whenever he flies, he could bear it. His ears have grown accustomed to the loud crashes. Imagine hearing thunder every moment as you fly. Other than that, he told me of how he restrained himself while trying to be normal just like everyone else."

"Did he wanted to be normal?" the old woman asked.

"With a gift like his, he does. He saw his wings as curse," the firefly said. "He told me that he tried cutting them off but he couldn't. Nothing can break his wings except for himself. And so to remedy his desire to be normal, he restrained his wings. He tried so hard to never fully mature his wings. He bent it's crashing sound, more or less silence it. His efforts bore him flight in silence. But it was all too bothersome to him. And even so it was less deafening, those around him were still fearful."

"It was all in vain?"

"Yes."

"Why did he bothered to be normal?"

"Exactly, what I told him. And he answered me with: because I wanted to be with everyone."

"And what he did was totally opposite of what he wanted. He leaving everyone, that is."

"Well, the child was kind. That was his fault. He wouldn't want to bother anyone else. He'd rather be lonely than hurt anyone."

"He should never be normal!" the old woman angrily said. She coughed. The firefly tried to help her.

"Are you alright?" the firefly said but the old woman's palm stopped him. She nodded, she gestured she was fine.

"He should never be normal," the old woman said as she took a deep breath. "With wings like his, he should be happy."

"Say," the firefly said. "Would you mind telling me what you would have told him and what you would have happened next?"

"If I was there," the old woman said. "I'd slap him a sense or two. He should be proud of what he is. Strive not to be normal, since that wasn't him. And him cutting off his wings, what a terrible deed to do. His wings that were made of sound is spectacular in its own sense, what more they were made of thunder? If I had something like that, I'd go flying everywhere. And without worrying of anyone not noticing my entrance, just from my sound of flapping my wings, they know I'm coming."

"You'd be like a superhero or something?" the firefly asked.

"Yes! I'd used to help everyone, somehow."

"Still, I'd tell him that his wings are special and that he was special. And him wanting to be normal is a waste of his gift. It's a waste of being who he is. It's like denying one's own existence. It's pathetic. That child is pathetic. Even though he has amazing wings and all. He is pathetic."

"Are you sad for him?"

"He is pathetic and yet I feel pity for him. I'm sad for him. No one deserves to be alone. No one deserves to be like that. Did someone loved him?"

The firefly smiled to the old woman's question.

"I never told you he was never loved. I only said everyone was afraid of him. But no one hated him. He misunderstood the world."

forever in my mind

In your arms, I'd die peacefully. I don't mind what awaits for me in the after life. But I'm glad by the I passed and when you've completely forgotten about me, I made a world befitting for you. A world where you are in the right place. I don't know what you would be by then, or what you would be doing, but I'm definitely sure you'll always wear a smile none may say is a lie.

For now, let me just keep this moment forever in my mind.

Child of Thunder

"Once I met a child," the firefly said. "A child feared by the world. He was kind and always thinking ahead. He does not like to bother others and so he would often on his own cast himself away. As you can see, the world does not hate the child. He was feared. The things that made him fearful were his wings."

"So he's a angel?" the old woman asked. "An angel of death? The ones who guide people in the afterlife?"

"No," the firefly said. "He isn't an angel. You see, the wings he have were given to him. He never said by who but it was a memento."

"A family treasure? But how can wings be given? Aren't they supposed to grow on your back or for birds, it's their arms."

"I have not much clue about that. But it doesn't matter right now. You see, the wings he have were made of thunder."

"The spark we see on rain clouds?"

"No, not the lightning. But actual sounds."

"Sounds?"

"The boom you hear after lightning crashes down."

"You mean actual thunder sound?"

"It was so loud that whenever he stretches and flaps his wings, it shocks everyone around him."

"I too would be afraid of that."

"Everyone did," the firefly laughed but suddenly put on a stern face. "It's because of that, that he was always alone. Along with the world, he too was afraid to himself. It was this reason that could only fly so far. And also the reason why his wings never fully spanned. He never always had it out. When he does, he twist and bend it to it's minimum."

"Did it hurt?" the old woman asked.

"Yes. He never told anyone but whenever he does open his wings, his face shows it. It hurts him when it does."

"What of his ears? A distant thunder wouldn't be so loud but one just directly behind you would be really painful to bear."

"It is his wings," the firefly smiled. "It wouldn't hurt him for that matter. What hurts him though was his wings unable to fully fly."

"So what happened to him?"

"He stayed on the ground," the firefly said.

"What about his peers, his friends, his family? Surely there must be someone that knew and cared for him."

"They left him. Or rather, he left them."

Poetry #158

You find
yourself misunderstood.

But have
you yet
realized it
was you
who misunderstood
the world?

The world
completely understands.

Without words,
without signs,
without notices,

The world
understand all
of it.

You just
need to
have faith.

Poetry #157

And yet
you try
your best.

You try
hard for
the sake
of staying.

You put
up with
everything and
even when
it hurts
you smile.

It's no
lie but
you it's
your selfishness
that keeps
you going.

Or perhaps
it's not
you being
selfish but
you being
in love?

Poetry #156

For you
I will
turn down
the world.

I want
to be
with you.

The world
And everything
else does
not matter.

I want
to be
with you.

Without you,
nothing will
really matter.

Poetry #155

Maybe I
want to
save you.

Maybe I
want to
be by
your side.

Maybe I
want you
to stay
with me.

Maybe I
just want
to see
you forever.

Just across
the room
or just
across the
far horizons.

Just don't
leave, please.

Poetry #154

Suddenly the
dreams started
happening again.

But you
could no
longer live.

The dreams
you have
were amazing
and all

But in
return you
have to
throw away
the life
you're used
to living.

Will you
be fine?

Poetry #153

If you
intend to
live forever,
then die.

Right here,
Right now.

It's the
only way
for you
to live
forever as
a memory.

The firefly and the old woman

"Don't worry, I'll make all your wishes come true," the firefly in the lamp whispered to the old woman bedridden with cold. "I'll stay with you until you forget about me."

The old woman cough. Her throat was dry. Her skin pale as white. Her body was burning. The winter storm outside raged on. There was no one in the cabin but the little girl and the firefly in the lamp.

"Will I see them again?" the old woman asked. All her friends have left her in the winter cabin. Before the storm they came looking for aid. For the old woman was frail and weak. They looked for help. But one by one, their search for aid were never bountiful. Worst yet, none that sought returned.

"You will," the firefly in the lamp said. Though it was lie. The firefly in the lamp knew what happened. And certainly he knew what will happen. "You will see them again."

His last sentence was not a lie. All her friends are gone. And soon, the firefly knew, she will meet them.

"Would you care for me to stop the snow?" the firefly in the lamp asked. "Or would you want a warmer light to comfort you?"

The old woman cough some more.

"I'm thirsty," the old woman said.

"Look beside you," the firefly in the lamp said. A glass warm milk appeared beside the little girl. "It has been there waiting for you to drink. You must've have forgotten about it."

The old woman reached out, took the glass and drank. She was refreshed.

"Are you hungry?"

"The milk was good enough," the old woman said. She tucked herself in her blanket. She felt a bit better. "I don't think I have any appetite to eat. I want to eat with everyone."

"Is there anything that you'd like?"

"Tell me a story," the old woman asked.

"A story?" the firefly in the lamp was startled. Wasn't there anything she wanted? A company? A better place? Warm food? Better clothes? Why a story?

"Tell me a story while we wait for everyone," the old woman said. "But if it's too much. I'm fine with the silence as well. The wind blowing outside is good enough for me. It tells me whatever is happening outside-"

"I'll tell you a story," the firefly in the lamp reluctantly said. "I hope I'm good enough for you."

The old woman smiled.

"I'm not good enough for the world," the old woman confessed. "But it has ever been so kind to me to make me feel content with everything it gives me. Good friends that I know will never come. A warm milk that was never there. And a magical firefly that keeps me company while I'm at death's door.

"If it would be too much. I'd rather hear your voice while I drift to sleep. I hope that will be fine for you," the old woman said as she closed her eyes.

The firefly started speaking of lies, truths, the world before, after and beyond. And everything to nothing he knew. But all his stories went to deaf ears. The storm outside raged on.

The old Firefly and the little boy

"All your body aches right now, right?" the little boy asked. The firefly looked the boy, smiled and continued on. "Are you not bothered?"

"I'm not," the firefly said.

"Why? Why? There's no reason for you to do all these. No reason for you to do everything. There's no reason at all. Yet you-"

"I'm not bothered," the firefly said. He patted the little boy. He understood the little boy's worry. But he must continue what he does. It was almost over. It would be bothersome if he suddenly stop. And so, he must.

"You're dying."

"I'm fine," the firefly said. "Sooner or later, everybody dies anyway. But right now, I am fine. I apologize your worries are in vain, my little friend. But believe me, I am fine. I might look like it but I'm alright."

"Look at your wings, they're all tattered. There are holes everywhere. Your body are scratched all round. Bruises and dirt, here and there. My eyes do not lie. You are not fine, my dear firefly!"

The firefly suddenly stopped and sat on the ground.

"Would it ease your worry if I rest for a bit, my little friend?" the firefly said. "You're worried that I'll leave you one day, sooner or later. Right?"

The little boy firmed his face and held his tears. He shook his head. He lied. The firefly knew and smiled.

"You are a good kid," the firefly said. "If you're fine, would you care to hear a story? To at least spend our time while I rest."

The little boy's eyes widened. His worries were changed to enthusiasm. What will the firefly tell?

Poetry #152

I will

wait for

no one

And yet

the sun

came back.

He kept

at it

for all

his life.

The moon

is also

the same.

She kept

coming back.

Even so,

there are

those who

waits for

these two.

Poetry #151: Maybe definitely

Live forever
if you
have to

Just don't
die until
you're done.

You have
dreams right?
Chase them!

If you
are tired,
Go rest.

Everyone needs
a breathe
It's fine.

When you
feel lonely
find company.

Tell them
your dreams,
be brave.

It's alright
if they
don't understand.

What matter
is you
have faith.

In case
you can't
find company,

Find yourself,
Sometimes you'll
lose yourself

But it's
all fine.
Don't worry.

As long
as you
have dreams.

As long
as you
chase them.

As long
as you
have faith.

You will
get there.
Maybe definitely.

The Firefly and the Fairy Princess

"Or it could have gone the other way around," the firefly said.

"Other way around?" the fairy princess asked. "What do you mean?"

"I could have acted cooler then," the firefly said. "I could have met her there waiting for me. In the middle of the bridge. Even though I've lost my memories. I think I could have recovered it all once we met. I could have told her that she kept her promise. That she stayed with me all along, until now. That she was there.

"I could have smiled and it should have been me that have disappeared," the firefly paused and closed his eyes. "Can you picture it, fairy princess? There in the middle of the bridge, waiting for something. Gazing at the far off horizon. As if expecting something. As if waiting for something, for someone, for me. And there I was appearing out of no where.

"Our eyes meet. She smiles. I smile back. Before she could try speaking. I'll tell her. 'You kept your promise, thank you for being with me.' And then I'm the one suddenly vanishing. Being turn back to nothing. To million tiny blue lights. She should have been the one crying," the firefly's voice suddenly broke. His breathing became hard. Tears suddenly slid from his cheek. He was crying. "She should have been the one that lived. She didn't have to die. I should have been the one. Yet.."

The fairy princess hugged the firefly.

"She didn't have to die," the firefly said. "I should have died. Not her. She shouldn't have been the one to vanish. I should. She kept her promise. I know she did."

"She didn't lie," the fairy princess said.

"But she did!" the firefly said with doubt. "She did lie. She.. Did she lie?"

"She didn't." the fairy princess answered. "She was with you, right? She even waited for you. That's enough answer to your question. To your doubts. She didn't lie. You described her to have been wearing a smile with all honest. Unlike the rest of the smiles and happy faces you saw. She didn't lie!"

"But why did she have to die!" the firefly asked. "Why did she have to? Why?"

"I want to tell you that there will always be an end to every wonderful stories," the fairy princess answered. "But that would come out rude. It might hurt your feelings a little bit. But let me just say, even though I do not know whether she lived a wonderful life. I know for sure she died a wonderful death. She saved you-"

"I needed no saving," the firefly said nonchalantly.

"Still! That's what she had in her mind, she saved you. And even when she passed on to the afterlife, her mind, her last memory, will be herself doing an heroic act of saving the firefly prince. Even though she didn't know you were," the fairy princess said.

"I should have saved her," the firefly said. "I should have saved her. I should have-"

The fairy princess slapped the firefly. The firefly stopped his mumbling. His eyes became clear. He was, at that moment, pathetic in the presence of the fairy princess. He was unbecoming of him being the firefly prince.

"What, what I'm doing?" the firefly mumbled. He looked at the fairy princess. She was crying. "What's going on? Why are you crying, fairy princess? Who caused this?"

But just as he said that question. He realized it was his fault. He was not being himself. He acted lowly. He let his emotion ran him down. He wasn't supposed to be like that.

"My deepest apology, fairy princess," the firefly said as he took a handkerchief from his pocket and tried wiping the tears of the fairy princess. "It's my fault. I know. If you're mad at me, please do so. But please calm down. I don't want to see you crying."

"It's your fault, firefly," the fairy princess said. She pouted face. She was more annoyed than sad and mad. But she understood that the firefly have finally grasped himself. "You know-"

"There are things that just happens," the firefly interrupted. "I know that. But I guess, my emotion just took over me. It's my fault. I know. Please forgive me, fairy princess. I won't let it happen again."

The fairy princess continued to give him a cold shoulder. The firefly continued to console her. She was pouting for a while. But after a while, she smiled when finally the firefly also smiled.

"I guess even, firefly have regret, right?" the firefly said.

"Don't forget being overly emotional too," the fairy princess said.

"It's who I am though. Sometimes."

Suddenly the smile on the firefly's face vanished. The fairy princess noticed it.

"You know, you can go find here," the fairy princess said. "There are different worlds, a slight variation on each end but still the same."

"It's fine. I'll get over it, sooner or later," the firefly said. "We never actually knew each other, to be honest. Not to mention I never knew her name. Nor does she knew mine. I don't know about her as well though. Only thing I know of her was the smile she put up. They were true, honest and real. I guess, you sometimes have it, fairy princess."

The fairy princess smiled.

"There it is," the firefly said. "But for now, I have to go else where."

"Where are you going," the fairy princess asked. It was all too sudden and it had surprised her.

"Perhaps off to greater sky."

"Will you come back?"

"Maybe," the firefly said as he vanished to sparkling blue lights.

Poetry #150

Though the
two were
a few
inches, meters,
miles, worlds
or even
light years
away from
each other.,

A certain
lyrical words
connected them.

Somehow, I think she didn't

"I opened my eyes. At first I was catching my breath. All I saw were white. Nothing else. Then I saw the curtain. The table. The window. The metal railings. The soft bed I'm on. The soft pillow my head rested. The fluid on an upside down bottle. The long plastic cord from the bottle connected to my hand. The plastic device wrapped around my finger. The buzzing monitor beside me. All of it were all too surreal. I don't understand anything.

"I don't know who I was then," the firefly paused and looked at the moon. He basked in it for a while and continued. "If I do smoke, maybe I'd look awesome right now."

The fairy princess smiled. She doesn't like smoking. Yet maybe if the firefly were to do it. Mayhaps her outlook of it would change.

"I couldn't recall what happened. I was alive. That's all there was. But I've got this sinking feeling in me. Perhaps it was the odd dream that I had."

"So you lived?" the fairy princess asked.

"I sat up from the bed. I guess, by then I was too quick. Suddenly my vision swirled. My head ached. I wanted to vomit. I was nauseous. The buzzing monitor beside me alarmed. I don't know what was going on. I wanted to get out, was all that I was thinking. I slipped out of bed. The floor felt like dagger. The cold hue pierce through my sole. It'll warm up sooner or later. I need to get out of here, were the thoughts racing in my mind.

"Suddenly the cords linking my hands to the upside down bottle tagged at me. It wasn't letting me go. The pierced needle hurt a lot. But I need to get out. So I took it out. Then the device wrapped around my finger. I removed it and threw it away. None may shackle me, I thought. I don't know why but it felt like that."

"You felt heroic at that moment?" the fairy princess asked.

"No, I felt pathetic," the firefly said.

"So you felt heroic at that moment. So what happened next?"

The firefly sighed.

"And so you can tell if I lie, fairy princess. Looking back, I looked like an idiot. I looked like a pathetic piece of trash trying hard at doing something I don't even know what I was doing-"

"All heroes does that. A point in their life that they don't even know what there were doing and when they look back. They feel a bit shame and sometimes just like what you said, looked pathetic. But all heroes are like that," the fairy princess said. She smiled. "So what happened next?"

The firefly smiled. The fairy princess understood him.

"I got up." the firefly said. "And I fell down. I fell down on my knees. All that heroism I felt were just empty. I was weak to begin with. I wasn't strong. I wasn't strong enough to stand up right. But I did manage to get back up. I grabbed the railing of my bed and slowly got up. It was a hurdle. At least, that's what I felt. But somehow I managed to got up. I don't know why but I took the rod the upside bottle was hanging and used it as a cane. I must stand up, I must get out."

"You shouldn't have removed the IV drip if you're either way going to take it with you," the fairy princess.

"I didn't know what it was for," the firefly confessed. "But even so, I managed. With the aid of the rod, I was able to get to the door and open it. The hallway was more lit and bright than the room I was in. There were not much soul floating around and those who are wearing in either green or white just smiled at me. I did not know why but I felt like they were all wearing masks. The smiles they put weren't real. I thought I was in prison at that time. But even still, I must get out.

"I walked around wearing nothing more but the long sleeve shirt and sleeping pants. I don't know what was happening but when I thought I finally regain much of my strength I left the upside down bottle and got out of the building," the firefly said.

"So you escaped?"

"Yes. The cold night air was more pleasant than the atmosphere inside that place. The moon looking down at me was more than welcoming that the bed I had in the infirmary. The clouds and the stars are all silently watching me. Everything outside felt more I'm in the right place, rather than inside that prison."

"But it wasn't a prison," the fairy princess said. "It's a hospital."

"I know. I just didn't know at that moment," the firefly stopped speaking. He felt embarrassed of his story.

"You still felt heroic, right?" the fairy princess asked. But the firefly didn't respond. "Hey? Hey? Are you mad, firefly prince? Hey? I want to listen more to your story. Hey! Firefly prince!"

The firefly was too embarrassed to speak more. He blatantly ignored the fairy princess. The fairy princess suddenly hurled her fist to the firefly's stomach.

"Firefly prince!" the fairy princess angrily said. "Continue your story!"

The firefly was taken by surprised. He wasn't aware the fairy princess can do such act and he wasn't expecting her to be that strong. He coughed. He wanted to get out. Just crawl himself away. But he made a mistake of glancing at the eyes of the fairy princess. Him trying to put an act was in vain. The fairy princess knows him too well.

The firefly got up and bowed to the fairy princess.

"My apology, to you fairy princess," the firefly said. "But I felt like you are making fun of me. And so I concluded to just end it there. You know I hate it when people think of what I do as jest. And here we are talking a bit of my past-"

"You're thinking lowly of me, firefly prince?" the fairy princess's eyes suddenly turned red. "How dare you!"

"Alright, alright, I'll continue the story," the firefly said as he pleaded for his life and tried his best to calm the fairy princess.

"What happened next!" the fairy princess ordered. The firefly smiled.

"Would you mind telling me what happened next, fairy princess?" the firefly asked with a smirk.

"Don't get over yourself, firefly!" the fairy princess angrily said as she readied her fist but immediately the firefly appeared behind her. As she instinctively hurled her fist, she immediately stopped. She saw a different firefly standing next to her. His eye have somehow changed. He wasn't mad or being boastful. He was smiling.

"I was just merely asking you what you expected me to have done next, my dear fairy. But if you do insist, I'll continue on. Though I doubt you'd find the next act to be as fascinating and as interesting as when I told you she lied to me."

The fairy princess was stepped back. The firefly in front of her. He was different than earlier.

"I apologize if my playful side is always showing. It's just how I am. But if need be, I can be different. Or rather I will be different," the firefly said. "So where were we. Oh! That's right, when I left the hospital. All said was the truth. I never knew it was a hospital until I regained my memory. I'm ashamed to say this but that time of me forgetting things was just brief.

"I walked through the park of the hospital and out of its gate. I don't know where I was back then and so even though I wanted to run. I just walked. My barefoot was killing me then. My soles were hurting as I take a step forward. All I thought was just getting away as far as possible. I don't even know where I was going. And I don't even know how I came to be a human.

"I walked and walked. As I've said earlier, all the sky and world are my witnesses. I don't remember anything at all. I just wanted to escape. I was exhausted. My breathing became heavier. There was a point when I wanted to stop but I just have to. And so I walked on.

"I only stopped when I cam across a bridge. It wasn't a big bridge that crosses many cars, people and dreams to different place. But just a small bridge overlooking the sky, the ocean and a far off horizon. I don't know how but she was there. Standing in the middle of the bridge. Looking at the sky, the ocean and the far off horizon. She was there. She wore that same suit she had when we boarded her airplane. She had the same smile. The only smile knew then that was real.

"Yet, I could see through her. I could literally see right through her. That's what was different from her. It seemed that she was fading. I approached her as she was looking at the distant. When I got closed, she turned and looked at me. She said, 'I kept my promise.' And that was that."

"So you saw a ghost?" the fairy princess asked.

"I saw her." the firefly said as he suddenly collapsed.

"That was when you regained your memory, right? A short-lived amnesia. But it somehow made a different personality in you."

"You could say that," the firefly said. "Even though she lied. Somehow, I think she didn't."

Poetry #149: How to live forever

"What would
you do
to live
on forever?"

"Become an
unforgettable memory."

"Memory? How
to become
a memory?"

"Live a
beautiful life."

"If I
could not
live a
beautiful life?"

"Die a
beautiful death."

"I can't
live forever
in case
I die."

"Would like
to try?"

Poetry #148

Don't worry,
It's fine
to cry.

Don't worry
about everyone.
It's alright.

I know
you have
been through
a lot.

Don't worry.
Thing's will
be fine.
Everything's alright.

I'm here,
so don't
worry, alright?

Though you
haven't noticed.
I've been
here since
the start.

"She lied," the firefly said.

"An angel once took me to greater sky," the firefly said. "I didn't know at first but she placed me inside a bottle. She said it would keep me from burning up. I didn't know what it meant. But then again, to be honest, I thought she had caged me. I was afraid at first. Wasn't that what anyone would thought if someone suddenly placed you inside a prison of some sort?

"And so she took me. She had greater wings than I have. She wore different armor and a shiny mask. I don't know what they were for but she felt most comfortable in that attire. Though I wouldn't mind seeing her face even that would have been possible. And then we took flight.

"The bottle I was in was shaking. She held me in her arms while her hands held something I do not know of. We were also in a jar of some sort, but I don't know if she'd call it a jar. All I saw was glasses behind the glass I am in. I looked at her and like wise our glances met. Though it was brief, she was worried about me.

"'Don't worry,' was what she said to me. As her eyes avert from mine back to the sky. I closed my eyes then. I was really afraid of what was going to happen. I held onto the side of the bottle I'm in. I didn't know why but it felt worse than floating in it. But I didn't have enough strength to muster myself. I was afraid of what was happening.

"And then she said, 'open your eyes, we are here.' To which I did. And there I saw, many stars a bit closer from the scenery I'm used to but nonetheless far away from my reach. The clouds around us were like fog from the river I usually fly by at night and as for the moment, it was the one thing that had been ever closer to me. Other than her, of course.

"She took off her mask. I saw her face, under the moonlight, her smile and eyes were more beautiful than ever. I wished that moment lasted long. But of course, it was just a moment.

"She took a deep breath as if inhaling the air outside the glass we are in. I did the same. Somehow, I tasted it too. It was different. Breathing from a different altitude was not the same from the ground. It felt heavier and yet have more depth. 'Is this your first time seeing this place?' she then asked me. And I said, 'yes.' I doubted she could hear me behind this jar I'm in but her smile affirmed it.

"Then I confessed to her, 'I love you,' She wasn't looking at me. She must have not heard what I said. She must not have read the words I formed with my lips. She was looking at the stars. Was she always like that? I asked myself. We just met and I doubt if ever she knew me.

"Suddenly she said: 'I love you.' Words I just said, coming out of her lips. She heard me. She knew. She felt it. My eyes widen, my chest tightened, and my heart beat fast. We're in the sky and we're in love.

"It was all like a dream to me until she continued speaking, 'that's what I told him. But even so, she loved someone else.' Her eyes seemed to have shone sparkly. Waters are forming beneath it. She was crying. Yet the smile on her lips was most unusual. How can one cry and smile at the same time?

"It broke my heart. To million pieces at least. She was beautiful and yet I was in pain. But her words, I'm sure. She was in pain as well. Suddenly, on my cheeks slithered cold water. I was too late to notice but with her I was crying. I tried to hid it. But she saw it. The little firefly she was holding was crying.

"She opened the jar and with her careful hands tried wiping my tears for me. 'You're crying, little firefly? Is it you're crying for me?' is what she thought. But in truth, she was the reason I was crying. But then I can't tell her that. Who am I to her, anyway? And so I steeled myself. Dried my emotions and braved it so that I won't cry, right in front of her. I smiled that most fake and forced smile ever I did in my life after fixing myself.

"She wouldn't want someone pitying or crying for her when she was all down like that, all humans are like that, right? So I tried to make her smile. I wanted her to forget about everything she was sad about. And so I succeeded. I flew here and there around her as we flew across the sky. She was laughing and amazed at what I did. Or so I thought. She suddenly told me to, 'stop trying hard and lying to yourself. You're sad, right? I just told you something about me, little firefly. I just wanted you to feel how I really feel. Even though I got rejected, I apologize that I nonchalantly spoke how I felt. Somehow, little firefly, I think I'm in love with you too.'

"But then again, it's a love that must not be. She stared at my eyes as mine stared at hers. At that moment we were captivated through each other's depth. Time must've suddenly stopped. I don't know why but it felt like the world just did. The shaking I felt riding that glass with her was no more. The voice of the air and the cloud as we soared through was not to be heard. At that frozen still moment, along with our audience, the star, the moon and the earth down below, we were lovers. Of some sort.

"But as I've said, it was a love that must not be. Even fate held it high. Somehow suddenly, we heard a loud crash from behind us. I couldn't remember well but I saw her looking back and forth. She was confused. Panicking. She did not know what to do. And then I saw fire. I got scared and so I flew back to the cage she held me. I was afraid. I don't want to die. I was afraid.

"And then I heard her say, 'don't worry. Everything's alright. I'm here. Don't be scared. I won't leave you. I promise you that.' I would have been convinced that she was lying were it not for the smile she put up. I don't know what happened but I just have faith her and closed my eyes. She lied to me though."

"What happened next?" the fairy princess asked.

"She lied," the firefly said.

Poetry #147

Suddenly the
world bowed.

It never
did before.

But now
it just.

For the
little bird
was all
too precious
for everyone

And no
one wished
her dead.

And so
everyone, even
the world
begged for
the little
bird to
be alive.

But she
rejected all
of them.

'It wouldn't
be fair,'
was her
final thought.

Poetry #146

Even so
I cannot
fly to
your arms.

You who
have went
to greater
heights and
higher sky.

You who
have basked
most in
the warmth
of the
gentle sun.

You who
have told
whispers and
adventures to
the sky
children and
mother moon.

You who
have seen
the world
beneath your
beautiful wings.

To your
arms I
cannot come.

With wings
like mine,
to be
by your
side is
nothing more
but a
fleeting dream.

Poetry #145

Of course
it was
a lie.

I just
wanted to
see your
lips smile.

That's all,
nothing else.

If ever
you actually
believed me.

I'd give
you credit.

I thought
I was
in love
as well.

The Knight Errant's Dilemma

"In case you haven't realized it yet, you aren't the hero," a deep enigmatic voice spoke in the mind of a knight-errant. "Advocacy of justice and order does not have to suit your chivalry."

The knight stopped his wayward horse. He was both baffled and relieved. If he wasn't the hero he thought he was, then who was he?

"But you must be a knight," a light rhythmic voice spoke. "First and foremost you are a knight, since birth, trained and until now."

That's right, he's a knight after all. Even if he wasn't the hero, he should act accordingly. It was engraved in his soul, etched in every bit of himself. He is a knight and a knight he should be.

"You're just a pawn," the first voice said. "A measly sacrificial pawn. Nameless and expendable. Orders from the higher ups are your law. You cannot break them. You must obey."

"Like a puppet?" the second voice asked. "With invisible strings attached?"

"No, just pawns. Though they maybe the same, their value isn't," the first voice argued. "A puppet can hold emotion and thus be valued more as for pawns, they have no face, they have no value. They can be replaced as many time as possible. Even if one pawn is missing, the game may still continue or rather another pawn may replace it."

"Right? But don't you just see them as puppets? They have ranks, names and faces after all."

"Trivial matters."

The knight clenched his fist and gritted his teeth. He does not like what he was hearing.

"Yet somehow, this pawn here wants none of that," the first voice said.

"Clear as a day," the second voice said. "His emotion are overflowing. See, he is shaking.

The knight was shaking in anger. He was ready to burst and just go  berserk.

"I wonder what would change his fate somehow," the first voice said.

"What about a revolution? A coup? Probably poison one of the ministers? Or mayhaps a straight stab in the heart to the crowned prince?" the second voice asked.

"Are you inciting our little puppet here?" the first voice alluringly asked. "But I don't think our little puppet cannot act any of that. He's nothing more than just a puppet. He can't do any of that.

"What shame," the second voice said. "And here I thought our little knight is ready to cut the strings and lead. Pity."

"I'll do it!" the knight-errant said. "I will kill the king!"

Later that evening the knight, veiled in the shadow of the night, went on to do his deed. The two voices guided. Everything went smoothly from his unnoticed entrance to the castle and unannounced visit to the sleeping king. He was one with the shadow as he sneaked silently, unbecoming of an honorable knight but of a petty thief.

He wanted to be a hero. And so he must cut off these strings chained on him. He must be free. He was no mere pawn. He knew himself better. He was destined for something great. Not just some nameless no body and easily expendable. He was picturing himself basking in the glory of tomorrow. His greatness was at hand.

He entered the king's chamber and there saw the sleeping king. He readied his knife. Just a single slit, like cutting through a love letter, and it will all be over. He will be free.

"Is this right?" suddenly one of the voice said. "To what end is this deed you are doing?"

The knight suddenly stopped. His blade a hair's length away from the throat of the sleeping king.

"Surely there is another way," the other voice said. "This is not the only way, right?"

The knight was shocked. He just only realized now his misdeed he was about to commit. What was he doing?

The knight stepped back away from the sleeping king. But the king heard a rustle and immediately roused.

"Who goes there?" the king shouted. Then he saw the knight with a knife in hand. "Guards! To me!"

-/_ -

"And soon after the incident, the knight errant was executed for attempted murder on the king," a light yet sinister voice spoke.

"You planned it that way, curious one?" an enigmatic deep voice asked.

"Was it not a great story?" the first voice asked.

"So you had his hopes up and when he finally have his resolve, you made him question it," the second voice said. "It's quite a task. You had me lie all the way too."

"I wasn't lying though."

"You aren't?"

"I do not like lying," the first voice said. "That's how I felt for him though. Nothing more but a well made puppet. He has his own value but still he was only just a puppet. Nothing more."

"Are you not sad for him, curious one?"

"I'd be more melancholic if the puppet noticed his strings in the first place."

"I don't like your idea, curious one."

"Was it too evil for you, evil one?"

"Mayhaps so."

"Would you mind if we continue doing it this way?"

The deep enigmatic voice sighed.

"Fine."

The Firefly King's Order was a Dilemma

"One day, I'll become memory too," the firefly king said. "Soon enough, you'll forget about me."

The little girl, with necklace made of rope marks, went to the firefly king and hugged him tight. She was breathing heavily. She wanted not to cry and so she tried her best not to. But the firefly king noticed it. He knew it already ever since they met. He knew of what will happen next.

"Don't go!" the little girl said.

"But I won't go anywhere else," the firefly king said. "I'll be by your side."

"You disappearing in my memory, everything we've been through, you're entire existence. All of it will be gone. It's the same as you leaving."

"It's alright," the firefly king said. "What matter is that I'll be with you."

"It's not alright!" the little girl angrily. "You'll be hurt. I know right now you don't feel it. But thinking about, it hurts here."

The little girl pointed at her chest.

"I know you're feeling it too," the little girl continued. "You're just putting a strange mask. You're lying!"

The firefly king was taken aback of the little girls revelations. She knew him too much from the little time that the two have spent.

"Soon after I've forgotten about you, I won't feel anything. You may be there but I won't know you. That's what hurts! It will be my fault that you're hurting. It hurts me right now! I don't want that!"

The firefly king smiled.

"Is that so?"

The little girl embraced the firefly king more tightly. She failed to notice the firefly king's smile.

"You don't hate me, right?" the firefly king said.

"I hate you!"

The firefly king knew she was mad. But she doesn't hate him.

"How about this," the firefly king said. "What if I order you to forget about me?"

The little girl suddenly stopped sobbing. She looked up to the firefly king.

"That's not fair-"

But before she knew it. The firefly king smiled and vanished to faint blue lights.  She was there alone. She was crying but she do not know why.

Poetry #144

You were
looking for
her, right?

She was
your first
love and
you, hers.

Who would
have easily
forget that?

And now
after your
lovely dream
you're now
looking for
her, right?

But why
only now?

You've spent
all your
time wasting
on trivialities.

Why only
now are
you looking
for her?

Or mayhaps
you've forgotten
she is
always by
your side.

And now,
you just
made her
fall in
love one
more time.

She's right
there, look!

Poetry #143

Soon after
the little
boy remembered.

Thee fairy
princess was
with him

by his
side all
this time.

But he
seemed to
have forgotten.

She stayed
with him

from the
start up
until now.

She never
left his
side always.

Poetry #142

What if it happens nonetheless?
Even though it was both their first time

Even though, with all their hearts,
They truly love each other,

Somehow, their love just wouldn't
come true.

Somehow, their memories of each
other won't remain.

Would it still be love?
Or just some silly puppy love?

Random Thought while watching "good librarian like a good shepherd"

"Don't worry," the fairy princess said. "You won't remember that we did this."

They kissed. The human boy and the princess of the fairies kissed. It will be a memory forever etched in her mind but to the boy, he'll eventually forget about it. It was part of the princess's duty. She was given all the powers one needs in the world to protect and commit oneself to preserving order and balance. But to a price of memory.

Sooner or later, one the boy grew up, he will no longer see her nor will he still remember her. It would be like she never existed.

Fairy Princess cannot love after all. They cannot be unjust, show prejudice and have favorites. They have to be fair to all. So at the very least, to themselves they mustn't be fair.

-/_ -

But what if the child didn't want to forget? What if the child didn't want to grow up? Would he still see and remember her?

In all honesty, he was in love, for the first time and forever in his life. He was in love.

Is it just puppy love or a love that transcends everything else?

That is, if the boy is truly in love in the first place.

-/_ -

After all, that was her and his first kiss. Would anyone forget about it?

Poetry #141

But of course he just wanted to be free,
He cared less of the recognition,
the praises and the awards.

All those are mere trivial
to what he truly desires.
He wanted to be free.

But in the end he must choose,
to stay committed to a goal
or be a salvation to everyone else.

What else bothered him are
the sweetness coating the words:
promises and expectations.

He cannot be free.

Poetry #140

Suddenly the
little girl
spoke in
her sleep:

"Mother please
don't go."

She was
dreaming of
her past.

"Don't worry,
I won't."

The nurse
holding her
tiny hands
told her.

The nurse
was lying.

Poetry #139

Just for a little while,
please bear with me.

I know I sound too imposing
but that's just how I want to be.

I'm trying hard for everyone.
Please don't mind anything about.

More so please do forget about me
after all that we will be through.

I know that one day
it may seem so sudden

but to our short yet interesting future together,
please let us get along until then.

Poetry #138

And so
the mask
fell off.

The one
thing that
hid all
the pain
the memories
and all
the truth,

Came off.

And behind
the mask
was nothing.

Poetry #137

She was
hesitant and
so I
gave her
a push.

That's all
she needed.

A gentle
push from
her back.

She was
surprised but
that is
what she
was after.

Right from
the start.

I didn't
know though
whether she
could've have
grown wings
and flew.

Poetry #136

I told
her that
I will
save her.

Her neck
was wrapped
with rope.

The last
vanity she
will wear.

Her skin
looked pale
as well
her hair,
lifeless white.

Her feet
shaking and
doubting if
her decision
was right.

She had
been there
all these
time and
no one
bothered to
help her.

But here
I am,
standing right
in front
of her.

I took
the chair
she was
standing on
and sat.

Poetry #135

I came
to save
you but
you didn't
want to
be saved.

You wanted
to live
life to
the fullest.

So here
you are,
wearing a
necklace made
of rope
on top
of the
world with
a chair.

I wanted
to save
you but
I couldn't.

When I
came to,

you've already
saved yourself.

Poetry #134

But it
did not
end the
way they
wanted to.

All the
world knew,
even they
themselves knew.

They were
meant for
each other.

They had
wanted to
part ways

To say
goodbye in
the most
bitter way.

But all
the world
conspired so
the two
will one
day reunite.

Poetry #133

You wouldn't
mind if
I just
up and
leave, right?

I know
I may
sound rude
but to
be honest,

It's hurting,
it's hurting
a lot.

And I
don't know
if I
should just
keep at
it and
endure all
the way.

But seriously
it's really
hurting me.

I hope
you wouldn't
mind if
I just
leave right
now, right?

Poetry #132

So that
was it,
Their first
chance encounter.

He could
not further
trouble her
more than
he did.

She was
just too
afraid to
go on.

And so
they parted.

Not ever
knowing one
another's name,

The Firefly King's Second Dilemma

"Hey! Evil one," a bored voice spoke. "What should we do next?"

"Do next?" an annoyed voice spoke. "We do the usual thing we do, curious one. By day we help them as well, and occasionally, do our little mischief. Let's think of it as relieving ourselves of the pressure we are holding. Don't you think it's just? They don't seem too grateful for the things we do for them, it's just fair that we take something, or rather do something, for ourselves, once in a while. Right?"

"Is that all there is to it?" the first voice asked. "I do understand what you are talking about but doing it routinely has lose it's steam."

"Lost it's steam?" the second voice asked. "What do you mean-"

"It's boring."

"Boring?" the second voice angrily said. "How can you say it's boring when we're doing it all in secret? We are helping them but they do not know that we are at times causing them trouble. Is that boring still?"

"We do the usual thing. Nothing changed!" the first voice said with disappointment. "We may have been doing wrong but we are still helping them. Nothing changed at all. We are still helping them. And still they have nothing to give us back. We may be easing this pressure I am having, but nothing else. I want more! I know you can feel it too, right? If we are do to something evil. We must do more!"

"Are you sure I am the evil one?" the second voice asked playfully. "But in truth, we are not evil, right? We're just playful. That's all. We're just free spirit, nothing else. Why should we be bothered whether they are grateful to us in the first place?"

"Are you not?" the first voice asked in disappointment. "Are you not bothered they stay that way? We may be helping them, but that's just it. In the end, they're still helpless. Without us, they wouldn't go anywhere else. And despite of what we do, they aren't glad. In contrary, they even become more helpless or if worse comes, they are annoyed we aren't as helpful they want.

"They do not show any appreciation to us, they expect more from us and still we must help them? It just isn't fair!"

A long pause happened between the two voices and so the Firefly King did all his usual routine. A hero no one was aware of and a villain everyone was mad at. It may have been thrilling at first but soon after, it became monotonous. He had lost all his ardor. But even still he must keep up.

It was his duty through and through. Though as mischievous he could be, he'd have to do all his good deeds. No time for him to lax. He cannot be free.

-/_ -

"Say, evil one," an enthusiastic voice spoke. "I just thought of an idea."

"Really?" a bored voice spoke. "I guess, what you said before was true. We may have changed thing but even still, it's all still the same. We may be doing petty little evil things, still we aren't evil. We can't be evil. Nothing changed. And they still don't seem to be changing. Their apathy towards us is still there. They do not see what we are to them. What are we really doing, curious one? What have we been doing?

"- I'm sorry, what was it that you wanted to say?"

"You finally realized it, right?" the first voice said. "It's really a bother right? And now you noticed. I feel sorry for you evil one."

"I get it, I get," the second voice said both in annoyance and disappointment. "So what is it that you wanted to say?"

"We could do more for them," the first voice said. "We could do more evil."

"More evil?" the second voice said childishly. "Are you sure you aren't the evil one? Right now, I feel curious of what you have in stored. Let's hear it."

Poetry #131

If you
finally feel
like dying.

I'm sorry
I cannot
help you.

But at
least to
keep me
at ease.

For once
let me
be selfish.

If you
feel like
jumping off
a cliff,

let me
be the
ground that
catches you.

If you
feel like
hanging yourself,

let my
arms be
the ropes
that hugs
you tightly.

If you
feel like
drowning in
the sea

let me
be the
water to
be with
you until
your breath
your last.

If you
feel like
just stabbing
yourself and
just bleeding

let me
be the
blade of
the knife

let me
be the
one who
killed you.

And if
you feel
like living
once more,

let us
be friends.

Talk to
me and
I will
let you
my ears.

I will
be there.

I promise.

I'll listen.

I'll hear
your words.

I will
be there.

Poetry #130

"I hope one day, you could
change this world,"
that's your wish to me, right?

I wonder if I could still do it.
I wonder if you're still waiting
for a world better than the last.

Were you waiting for me?
Were you still waiting?
Are you still waiting?
Are you waiting?

Or have you waited?

I wonder if you're still there
waiting for me.
I wonder if you're still there.

Poetry #129

When we
meet again
please call
me by
my name.

At first
I will
ignore you.

I will
lie, just
like how
I never
said goodbye.

But I
hope by
then you'll
realize it.

You'll just
come to
me and
tell me
all my
little secrets.

By then
I wonder,
If I
could still
make the
sky rain.

The Firefly King's First Dilemma

"Hey," a voice in his head suddenly spoke. "Don't you think we've done enough?"

"We've helped a lot, that is true," another voice spoke. "But we must not stop until everyone is saved."

"Save from what? They don't need saving. Look at them, they all look just fine. Nothing to worry about them," the first voice replied. "Beside, they haven't appreciated what we've done for a lot of things, have they?"

"As long as everyone's fine, that's good enough, right?" the second voice said. "Right?"

"You have doubts."

"That's what we just needed to do, right? Nothing else, we don't need to be appreciated. We don't need to be-"

"Can you hear your own voice right now?" the first voice laughed. "I am sure not even you could trust your own words."

"I don't.. I don't know what to do now."

"Say," the first voice spoke. "If you don't know what to do, why not do the opposite of what we'e always doing?"

"Opposite?" the second voice asked.

"For once, let's be evil."

The Firefly King suddenly woke up. He had the urge to be mad. To be angry at everything. But he had to be discreet about it. And so his various misdeeds happened. Not one soul but his knew about these.

Poetry #128

Soon after the dreamer
felt a taste of reality.

He woke up.

It was a sting in his chest.
A burning sensation of in his heart.
It was what woke him up.

Nonetheless it was hurting still.

She was walking
hand in hand
with the person she loves.

He was there,
from a distance,
looking.

Poetry #127

"Why did
you not
come for
me," the
cloud said.

"I could
not reach
you," the
wind said.

"I waited
for you,"
the longing
cloud said.

And so
the wind
gathered all
his strength
to pursue
the cloud.

But once
he got
there, she
already left.

She was
not there.

Mirai (Future) :D

Since I've been watching a lot of anime recently, somehow I've been catching on few words here and there of the nipon language. Though I basically have no knowledge of whatsoever I'm actually understanding. It's quite interesting.

Daijoubo = Don't worry
Daijouri = we win

Oyasumi = goodnight
Wakata = I understand

whatsoever whatsoever, I can't actually remember what I know but I guess I'll catch on. Eventually.. I guess?

Anyway, just something to share.

Other than that, I think I'll be planning a different thing. Odd enough, this being an anime blog is cool and all but I guess after a while, it seems it lost it steam in me. My enthusiast in writing review, character analysis and whatsoever, it just grew cold. Or probably I'm just having a mental block or something that is why I can't properly write any of it.

So for now, I'll be writing poems here and there and then some short stories and short post stories that actually has no start and ending just a clip, and then some anime stuffs, I still do like watching them.

About the different thing, I won't be posting it here and as well I'll be writing under a different pseudonym. If you found where it is and knew who I was, good for you, you're great and amazing.

I'll be trying my hard to make that as well hide who I really am for that. Though it's still just a plan. You won't be hearing anything from that 'project' here, so gumenesai.. daijoubo, I'll try to make it great once I actually start doing it.

It's a new thing so I do hope I'll make it great. somehow.

-/_ -

Odd enough, while I was walking earlier, I was actually thinking of nipon language. I do hope I'm not making a blaspheme out of this post. I do respect and adore the Japan culture. So I'm sorry if what I'm writing here causes harm.

-/_ -

Another thing, December/Christmas Season is almost near. I'll probably busy by then with IRL stuff so.. happy holiday seasons to everyone, in advance, in case I suddenly stopped writing now or in the near future.

:D

Have a good time.

Also, I do like the words of Isla's in Plastic Memories:

"I hope one day, you will reunite with the person (one) you cherish."

It's quite short and yet with these few words, those who heard it carried smile in their face as they part with their love ones. It's always a beautiful scene seeing those moments.

Instead of having tearful and sad faces, they bear satisfied and happy look. It felt like at their last moment, their final wish just came true or rather they felt hope even in their last moment. To say it bluntly, even in the face of death, they felt relieved, happy. No fear, no regrets.

Odd enough, after thinking about it for a while, I suddenly remember the words of Ralof from skyrim to the Nord horse thief:

"A nord's last thought should be of home."

Or something like that, I guess it meant that soldiers in their last moment should think of their home. Something to be patriotic about. In conjuction with the Plastic Memories. I'd say, for lovers, for when time comes that if ever the two were to part ways they should think of each other at the moment they say goodbye.. or something like that.

Something to be hopeful, or the like.

I'm getting jumbled with my own thought. Is that what Ralof also wanted to say? Now that I think about it, I guess, it seemed different.

A soldier's thought before death should be of home, as for lovers of the one they love.

That's what I had in mind. They don't have any connection at all. Probably? Tabun?

-/_ -

Aisteru and Aisuke...I think that's how it's spelled, I like you and I love you
Koi = love
Uso = Lie

Shingatsu = April
Sangatsu = March

... Odd enough, just understanding the numbers of japan one can easily decipher by voice the month. Or something like that? Tabun?

Another thought: Koi to Uso

"Looking at the notices, any other kind of love you have seemed just like lies." or something like that.

If fate have already predetermined everything, no matter how free we are, all our desires, dreams, loves and wants, all of it are just lies.

Is that how cruel the world can be? And from the way things are, memories are the only thing that could ever make us feel safe. Memories are our final salvation once after our fate have settled.

But looking at it, these certain memories, the feelings we have in there, can we just call all of them lies even if that's what we're destined?

Say for example a young child dreamt of writing stories, poems and songs, ends up studying words and letter. Unfortunately fate wanted him to be something else and so he became far from what he dreamt of. A salary man, a businessman, an entrepreneur. Was his dream of stories, poetries and songs all just a lies?

He never did become one after all. And fate have already settled him as what he doesn't want.

Come to think of it, are dreams nothing more just lies if unfulfilled? No matter how passionate or rather how much effort or emotion you fill it with, if it were in vein, it's all meaningless.

Poetry #126

Suddenly the bridge decided to crumble.

It had held itself mighty and strong
for many years and generation.

It had caught many tears falling
from lovers' unrequited eyes.

It had carried many dreamers
off to meet their beloved in distant horizons.

It had connected the love
between two distant lovers.

It stood ground, held tight
and braved many memories.

But somehow it just fell apart.
It suddenly decided to stop caring.

Was it selfish for the bridge?

Poetry #125

One day
we will
be forced
to choose.

And no
matter what
There will
be consequence.

And when
that time
does come:

Even heroes
will decide
who to
let die;

Even gods
and goddesses
will decide
who to
be saved.

Even children
have to
grow up.

Thoughts while watching Koi to Uso

What if fate have already determined everything. From we were going to wear for a dinner party tonight, what we're going to have for that said dinner, what conversation we'll be saying, word per word, we will say it, like a script. Everything, already assigned, tasked and ordered right before we do it all.

Even the things that we do not want to happen: a fallout in our first love, a single manner to break connections, a sudden goodbye.

What if fate have already decided on everything? Would one be happy with it? From the good thing and the bad?

-/_ -

So comes our freewill. Mayhaps, even ordered to do so by fate, it is our freewill that we decide to follow everything.

One perk of freewill is our ability to lie.

I wonder why?

Poetry #124

They did not know
but the holes they
dig are not what
leads to buried treasure.

These young fools
are digging their own graves.

In those small, confined places
they will have their final resting place.

But then again there are those
who just stopped digging.

They want to go elsewhere.
They want to die elsewhere.

So they convince the rest
It's not treasure they are looking for
but their own demise.

Even still
the foolish grave diggers would just
keep on carving the face of the land.

They've fallen in love a bunch of times
and certain promise of gold,
even though made up,
would keep them pursuing.

They will die happily
even without reaching the
false buried dreams.

Poetry #123

Her hands
were shaking
and cold.

My face,
beneath my
masked, crumpled.

It was
hard for
me but

It was
hard for
her too.

This is
not what
I wanted.

This is
not what
she wanted.

But it
has to.

No matter
how beautiful
this world

of ours
it is
still cruel.

We said
our goodbyes.

Poetry #122

It was
the first
time we
have met

And right
in front
of her
I cried.

We were
floating in
the sky.

My voice
it just
came out.

I meant
to tell
her to
stay strong

and yet
it felt
I was
telling myself.

It was
the first
time we
have met.

Here I
am showing
how pathetic
I could
actually be.

Poetry #121

In the corner,
the firefly cries.

He wanted to
write a story.

But he does
not know how.

He does not
like sad endings.

But sad moments
are truly essentials.

He wanted to
write many stories.

But he does
not know how

If he could
from the memories.

Form it like
some grand puzzle.

Piece by piece,
forming many hereafters.

The Firefly King
Wish for that.

He wanted good
memories to happened.

Though there are
bad and sad

He would accept
all of that.

But he does
not know how.

Plastic Memories by Naotaka Hayashi, Yoshiyuki Fujiwara

The story reminded me of the film Kimi no Suizo wo Tabetai but only a bit more defined. Being a series it made me connect with the characters, specifically the two main characters, Tsukasa Mizugaki and Isla.

Speaking of Pancreas, after realizing the series's likeness to the film, the book The Little Prince came to my mind. Though as I've said earlier the anime being a series made a connection in me that had me emotional invested in the characters better than the I want to eat your pancreas film.

The series is set in future world where androids, called Giftias, are bestowed upon families to live as either a substitute or an addition to their own. They have their own personality so distinguishing a human and a Giftias is quite a task as per described by the main character Tsukasa.

Tsukasa was employed in a government firm tasked to retrieve Giftias. After a certain amount of time, 9 years to be specific, Giftias will have met the end of their lifespan. If they weren't retrieved, the Giftias will turn violent and being android/robots, they can be a danger to the populace.

As part of the retrieval firm.agency, they are tasked to recover, "retrieve," the Giftias before the time they expire. It is mandatory and set guidelines, procedures and standards are kept when retrieving Giftias. Giftias are well aware of these procedure, unfortunately the owner/clients can be stubborn as to not let the Giftias be retrieved. Giftias though are aware of these, they are to follow/respect their owners.

Unfortunately, the branch Tsukasa was assigned to goes beyond that. Whenever they do retrieval assignments, they have to establish some sort of closure between the client/owner and the Giftias. Something frowned upon or rather non standard when it comes to other branches of the government firm.

Tsukasa was then partnered with Isla, a Giftia, a standard in the retrieval firm. In field work there will be two person in a squad, the marksman role and the spotter. The marksman role is commonly assigned to the Giftia, they will do most of the work in the retrieval, from talking with the client, retrieving the Giftia and such. They are the carry of the team. The spotter on the other hand is an adviser, or rather an overseer, of what's going on.

Isla, though a veteran, having one of the longest worker in the retrieval branch, her work with Tsukasa often spell them both problem. She is a klutz and often time childish, though her way of denying this is her showing herself as an android.

The series goes on with the partnership between the two, Tsukasa and Isla, improving from strangers to lovers. All with the fact that Isla's lifespan is sooner. From the start of the anime and the moment the two joined together, Isla's timespan was 2000 hours, about 3 months less.

Though comedy was employed in order to break the deep emotional moments, it was well received. It made the series more beautiful. Such silly moment does strengthen the emphatic bond between the audiences and the characters.

Such moment was:

1. the first successful retrieval mission of Tsukasa and Isla, they had a very heart touching moment. Even though the client at first didn't want to give her Giftia upon overhearing the conversation between the Giftia and Isla, she had a change of heart. She gave her Giftia with a beautiful closure.

Even though Tsukasa was deeply affected of how the task they do, the client was grateful.

The comedy happened in the post credit. On their way back, Isla somehow drank a bit to much of tea so in their drive she explained out her problem of holding her bowel on their way back. Tsukasa's deep thought of what they just did suddenly vanished.

2. one of the first supervised retrieval assignment they did, the owner and the Giftia suddenly ran away. Isla quickly noticed the ploy of the runaway. The supervisor immediately ordered Isla to go after them. Isla obliged and jump off the railing off the high floor of the building.

Even though Isla was expected to do her part in grace and ease, instead of jumping off to catch the runaway, Isla fell to trash bags on the ground floor of the building. This happened with Tsukasa's thought of Isla as a very cool and veteran retrieval unit in their firm/agency.

There are more to see but I'd rather not talk about it. It's better to watch the film than just read it in my not so accurate wordings.

As for the main theme of the series, memories is somehow associated with the soul. Due to the fact that Giftias are not living beings, the opted call the soul of the machines as memories. The retrieval agencies regard themselves as the one who rip apart and the the memories of the Giftias.

It's beautiful and romantic at the same time. Somehow because of this, I was reminded of the anime Future Diary, specifically the OVA, redial, even though Yuno Gasai of the first world died, her memories were kept and was reborn into the Yuno Gasai of the third world.

Unfortunately, this memory retrieval and transfer is not possible in the world of Plastic Memories. Somehow it's the reality check that we have to live in. That no matter how, things gone will always be gone. They may return in one form another but it will be different. Not the one that was lost.

Fortunately for this matter, memories as memories not as a soul was well defined/explained. Even though their stay together were short, Tsukasa's and Isla's, the memories they have for each other are real and no one will take away that from them, specifically from Tsukasa.

-/_ -

Same premise happened in the Kimi no Suizo wo Tabetai and Plastic Memories, yet it is in the series that I was moved to tears. The reason was bcause emotional connection was well established. Aside from that, The Little Prince reference was absent in the series, something that I have well thought of as a masterfully crafted beautiful work of art.

I wonder if me crying for the series in Plastic Memories would have not happened in case a reference was plugged in the series.

Either way, both have a beautiful story. And a bit of a connection with The Little Prince, in my opinion.

The aviator will be Tsukasa, the Little Prince as Isla, the Fox is Kazuki, the rose would probably be Michiru and the rest of the flower would be the rest of the crew. The snake in the series would be the lifespan of Isla.

That's just all my opinion of associating the series to the beautiful book.

Still, whether I'm wrong or not, the fact I did cry and felt a connection between the characters in the series was because it was a series. It had length in it.

I think I'd be having the same emotional connection with the characters in the Kimi no Suizo wo Tabetai if in case it was made a series.

-/_ -

The closure between Tsukasa and Isla was well written. Fully defined and explored.

Imagine having tendency to opt escaping in order to save his love one. And the beloved trying to accept the reality they live in while keeping herself in control.

IT WAS ALL BEAUTIFUL! EACH MOMENT OF THEM BEING TOGETHER.

-/_ -

As for the post credit. I wish there will be a second season, more to come. A sudden return. Not just an animation of the spin-off I want to see the hereafter of the story. Who was the new partner of Tsukasa and so on.

-/_ -

Lastly, the beautiful, beautiful line of the reaper each time they collect the memories of the Giftias:

"I hope one day, you will reunite with the person you cherish," Isla to each of the Giftias they successfully retrieve on their own.

Each time before the Giftias close their eyes, smiles are always drawn in their faces. They have a very happy life. This is the one closure the Giftias need.

One simple sentence.

Quite contradictory to the hassle and work they have to put up for the owners.

-/_ -

Odd enough, the Firefly King was actually satisfied with how things ended. Only wish he wants is to see what happens in the hereafter of the story.

What is to happen to the lover who accepted reality? Will the two ever reunite again? Was all the fluttered in the Firefly King's mind.

Poetry #120

"Just for
a few
moments more
please hold
my hand,"
said the
little girl.

"I'm dying,"
the old
man said.
"Can you
bear it
to stay
while I'll
be on
my way?"

The little
girl stayed
quiet and
held tight
on the
old man's
frail hand.

"You're hurting,"
the old
man said.

The little
girl showed
her face.
She was
with her
lips smiling.

"Yet, your
smile seems
to hurt
me more,"
the old
man said.
"I'm leaving
you sooner
or later
and here
you are
in my
memories etch
your smile
in my
last moment.

"I wonder
how you'd
remember me,"
the old
man said.

Suddenly tears
slid down
the little
girl's cheek.

She can't
hold her
tears back.
She's crying.

But the
old man
smiled and
told her:

"I can
smile too.
If that
is alright
with you?"

Poetry #119

What a
cruel world
they are
living in.

They sugar
coat their
sadness, their
sorrow and
their predetermined
end with
beautiful stories.

But no
matter how
it goes,
all stories
have to
end no
matter what..

Poetry #118

"What good
is a
world if
she is
never there?"

A young
lonely god
once said.

"She won't
be there,"
he whispered.

He could
make another
her but

"She won't
be her,"
he said.

He just
have to
live with
his memories
of her.

Nothing more.

-/_ -

Yukitero Amano of the Second World, winner and god of the survival game.

Somehow while watching Plastic Memories, it reminded of the ending scene or rather the OVA of Future Diary.

Poetry #117

The boy smiled
As days from now
they will have to part.

It was all too bitter for him,
quite forced and yet he did so with ease.
It was a lie after all.
Something he hated doing.

He wanted her not to see his sorrow,
He wanted her not to see his frown.
He wanted her, with him, to smile.

At least, as a selfish act,
With him, thought it's their last,
she is happy.

It was a mask after all.
But the memories, that will etch in his mind,
will all be real.

Though beautiful it all seemed to be,
It will still be bitter.

Though bitter it is for him,
It will all still be beautiful.

A hero's interview

The hero fell to his knees. It was the first time he lose a battle. Though he saved the victim, he couldn't save his friend.

"There is no salvation in becoming a hero if I can't even save my friend," the hero said to himself.

"You saved many, is that not enough?"

"I lose a dear friend of mine," the hero said. "Is that not enough to convince myself that I failed?"

"You gave everyone hope."

"I lose a friend."

"You gave everyone something they could hold on to. You save all of them."

"I couldn't save my friend."

"You made everyone happy."

"I'm not happy with losing my friend."

"You're selfish."

"I am."

"You''re no hero."

"I wish I'm not."

"You aren't a hero."

"I am."

The firefly turned around. He was frustrated and moved by the heroes regret and resolve. The hero's thought were contradicting yet still called himself a hero. Is it out of his own volition or pride? Yet his sorrow showed otherwise.

"Someday, will you turn against the light?" the firefly said as he was about to take flight. "Will you accept anymore friends after losing one, two, three or few? By then, would you have changed? Right now, you lack the resolve the move yet your regret isn't enough to stop you. How is that?"

The hero did not understood the firefly. Nor does he understood himself. He stayed quiet.

"May your selfishness guide you to the light once you regain your sight, hero who have just lose," the firefly said. "And may more light be there to guide you in your dark moment such as now."

The firefly flew away. His tail light ever glowing deem as his presence waned in the night.

The Captain's First Mate

"I didn't save you, forget about me," the girl said. "That's what you told me, right?"

The moonlit shone a tired runaway slave. The girl have bruises and scars all over her body yet she was unfazed. She have steeled herself long ago before. And to her, those were marks of her victories.

"I don't know who you are," the captain said.

"You're a liar!" the girl said. "You saved me back then. I know! And those words, those were the exact same words you told that man. What you did just now. It's what you did right before you disappeared in front of me. I won't forget who you are. You saved me! So please, let me stay with you."

"Who are you?" the captain once more asked.

The girl showed the captain her neck. It was then did he realized that the girl with her was the same girl that hanged herself. The captain moved back. She remembered me, was all he thought.

"What happened to your wings?" the girl asked. "You were a firefly, right?"

"You're the girl who fell?" the captain said.

"You caught me." the girl said. "What happened to you?"

A certain gleam sparkled in the captain's eyes.

"I'm glad you remembered me, my little friend," the captain said. "It seems my first mate leaving me opened a crucial position in my crew. Would you care to be my first mate? I do recall I asked you to come and join me once, right? You were after all the first person before my previous first mate that should have been the first mate."

"First mate?" the girl asked. "You never asked me-"

"Now, now, my good friend," the captain said. "It seems me telling you to forget about me have actually made you forget about our first meeting."

The girl wandered what he was talking about. He never asked her to do that and yet certain memories were suddenly forming inside her head.

"I don't recall," the girl said.

"Age does takes away some of our memories, first mate," the captain said.

The girl suddenly fell on the ragged wooden boards of the ship. Her memories have been altered.

Poetry #116

And so
the boy
filled with
empty hate

Burst out:
"I don't
want to
remember you!

"I don't
want to
have memories
of you!

"You! You
will just
leave me.

"I.. I
don't want
to.. I
don't want.."

But suddenly
tears came
bursting out.

"I don't
want to
forget you!

"Please! Don't
leave me.."

And soon
his hatred
got filled
with sorrow.

He was
actually sad.

Better Dreams

"What's that in your hand," the curious firefly asked.

The figured cloaked in black sheathed his sword on his waist and showed the firefly his notebook.

"You are ever curious my dear little friend," the figure cloaked in black said. "This my friend is log. An account retelling the dreams of souls before they meet me. Some dreams pleasant dreams, either of reality or just tell-tale lies, while some have nightmare of which I'm afraid have met their fate untimely to their own accord.

"If you ever wonder, I have to write these memories down. All of it," the figure cloaked in black said.

"Why do you have to do that," the curious firefly said.

The figure cloaked in black hid the notebook back inside his robe. He smiled as he once more spoke to the firefly.

"It's both the reward and the punishment of what I do, little firefly," the figure cloaked in black said. "There is nothing much to look forward in my toil. The least I have are these whimsies that made me look forward to my labor. What better joy is it to collect memories when all you do is collect soul?"

The curious firefly paused for a bit. Thank the figure cloaked in black and bid his farewell. The curious firefly took off and left.

"I have an idea," the curious firefly said on his way. "I'll write different memories and I'll remember it all. The ones I made and the ones they all have. That would be a better joy than reading those dreams. I'll make better dreams."

Poetry #115

Suddenly the
little bird
didn't want
to die.

Her tears
whispers it.

Her beautiful
singing voice
suddenly changed.

It was
her last
song anyway.

Still it
was beautiful.

She did
not want
to die.

But she
already and
bravely accepted
it happening.

"Goodbye," chirped
the little
bird as
she closed
her eyes.

Poetry #114

And so
the gravediggers
dig not
for the
pale bodies
but for
the memories.

There is
no reward
in their
work.

Nothing more
but pain
and heartaches.

They do
not dig
graves for
dead bodies
but part
memories of
the dead
with whom
they have
bonded with.

Mayhaps the
only reprieve
they get
is when
it rains.

What better
way to
hide tears
but under
the guise
of the
crying sky.

Always

She was crying the whole time. It was only moments ago was she made to realized her lifespan was only shorter than mine. She was scared of dying. Then I asked her.

"It's alright. I'll stay with you till then."

I was taken aback when suddenly she hugged me tightly. Her tear slid down her cheek into my shoulder. Her sobbing voice was all that echoed in my mind as her body felt like never letting go.

"I'm not scared of dying," she finally said. "I don't want to leave you."

I stayed quiet and listened. I did not know what to say. I could tell her that everyone dies, but that will only worsen what is already in her mind. I could say that I won't leave her until her last breath but that would only be accepting what is to come. Her fear will just embrace her more.

"I want to stay with you," she said. "To be with you always. I don't want to leave you. I don't want to lose you. Ever."

I embraced her tightly. And without thinking, I said:

"Let's die together."

She smiled and suddenly pushed me back. I chose the wrong words as her eyes seemed more scared.

"No! I can't have that," she said. "That's worse than me dying. And leaving you behind."

"We all die someday," I said. At that point, I stopped thinking and let my thoughts just come out my mind.

"Just remember me," she said. "Remember me always."

"I don't want to lose you as well," I told her.

"I don't want to lose you too but-" suddenly she paused. She just realized something. "We all die someday."

"I'll remember you, always." I told her as our lips kissed each other. "Always."

-/_ -

Poetry #114

Someday I
will change.

If it
is for
the better,

would you
still stay
with me?

If it
is for
the worst,

will you
have faith
in me?

And if
I forget
about you,
about everything,

would you
remind me?

If someday
I'll change,
would you
remember me?

Poetry #113

Still he
came back.

Clad in
battle wounds,

Drench in
blood of
his and
his enemies.

He came
back for
his comrades.

They called
him names,
a traitor,
a betrayer,
a liar.

Even so
He came
back to
save them.

He was
tired and
beaten but
there in
the horizon

Still ever
gleaming in
shine, bravery
and honor,

He came
back for
his friends.

But they
didn't knew.

They were
all blinded.

In the
back they
all stabbed
him without
any remorse.

Poetry #112

And so
you have
chosen death.

You could
have lived
on more

But you
hereby granted
someone's selfishness.

You worth
more than
that, right?

But you've
already decided.

You love
her, right?

Should I have explained myself? 10/23/19

Somehow after I had a drink and a late night swim, I'm having a hard time writing. I guess my tolerance for alcohol after a few months of abstinence got weaker. The materials I'm into right now are mostly for adult and comedy. But fret not, I'll be watching soon those deeper ones as well.

As for my writing, my poetry somehow got boosted from 1 to 100+ in just three months. I know it's nothing much and the word count isn't something to be even proud of. As well as most are forced, poems I somehow tried hard to write irregardless of how I felt. It goes out of my principle.

Then again, perhaps that's the reason why I can't write much at the moment. I don't have any emotion to write. Or rather, my hand and finger just won't harmonize with my thought.

Perhaps it's the alcohol. I've been having a headache for a day or two after that night of drinking.

But damn I don't regret doing that. It would have been a waste spending an uneventful birthday.

-/_ -

Lately I've written short story clips. Must be what you'd call slices of life, if that's what it really meant. But I don't know, I somehow like writing those shorts. As for the poems, I'll continue writing them. Though the word count is not something to look up for, I do hope it's understandable and easy to read for those who doesn't like reading.

It's quite contradictory actually, writing something for those who doesn't read. Yes, that's my reason for writing that way.

I could go on romantic and say that those two words resembles tears falling from my two eyes. Even though that's how I should really feel. Especially those poems I've written inspired by the anime I was currently watching. To be honest, it feels therapeutic to me. Instead of going to tears, I'm writing something beautiful.

But whatever.

As for those dark posts, poems and shorts. I don't know why it just ended that way.

-/_ -

Should I have explained myself?